I need to get a grip on my life but I think what I’m afraid of is what might happen after I’m back on track
A few nights ago I had a very interesting dream.
At first it was very exhilarating. I was within a cross between a concentration camp and district 12, but the lower people rose up to fight back. I was among the fighters, somehow strong enough to push my aggressors out of my way. At one point I knocked down two large men.
But then I crouched with them, with no intentions of killing them or causing them more pain. We and one of my comrades huddled together, speaking of the future of what was to come, as battles continued around us, seemingly moving farther away.
Suddenly the four of us were contained (don’t laugh, but the only way I can describe it as in a large sardine can..), but my comrade seemingly faded from my memory and one of the men changed into a small boy while his comrade too faded away. I closed the cover of our box and attempted to lull the boy calm. In the back of my mind I suddenly knew that there was a meteor approaching, and it would strike not far from where we were, though I felt that it would strike closer than others first thought. I envisioned the impact in my mind as I reminded the boy that God would make everything okay and forgive what he has done (remember, he was originally on the opposite side as me). I finished saying “it has to, otherwise what’s the point in being good?”
Moments after I spoke, in a moment of painful irony, the meteor struck around where everyone else thought, but it kept going and skidded through the ground farther and farther away. Suddenly the wave of heat blew over us, though we did not initially feel the heat as it slowly crept into our container. My dream was suddenly narrated as I heard “… little did they know that the heat would continue for 140 hours…” this echoed in my head as I realized that that length of heat would be too long and we had no supplies to keep us alive, and that we would die slowly and painfully… “otherwise what’s the point in being good?”
I woke up slowly, my entire body trembling in shock
It’s late and I have to get up in a few hours
But I don’t want to sleep
For fear of my dreams
And what my subconscious is really trying to say
The possibility that their fears about the adult world are true.
That they might not find a perfect love. That they won’t succeed. That it won’t last.
I am an accounting major. I will be a senior in the fall. I have been studying accounting since my junior year of high school. I am currently in an internship for financial reporting.
And that’s the problem with growing up.
Sometimes things seems so perfect, like it was what you were meant to do…
But now that I am working in the accounting world, I’m more unhappy with accounting than I’ve ever been. No, it isn’t that accounting is too boring, though it really is. No, it’s bigger.
I’m tired. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of being the younger child but having to sacrifice. I’m tired of putting my family’s finances before my life. I take every opportunity to save money for my mother, working multiple jobs while going to college, skipping meals and saving the food money so I didn’t have to ask for fun money in high school, moving off campus so we didn’t have to pay housing but using the multiple jobs tobpay my own expenses so no one else has to, coming home exhausted, giving up being involved in school or being social…
And being in a major that I don’t think I actually like.
I know, people warned me. “You can’t just major in something for the money, you should major in something you like.” Well what if I don’t know what I like? What if I just like lying around doing nothing all day? Or what if I said I wanted to be a prostitute? The funny thing is that there are people who, despite knowing I dislike accounting, still cheer me on. Because hey, money, right?
But money ruined my life. Money has broken my mother. Money has turned her siblings against each other in the past. Money gave them greed and jealousy and carelessness towards their own mother. Well now she’s dead. Money is the reason my mother is sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Money is the reason that I’m slaving away in college even though I really don’t need to. But it’s what I have to do, my family needs me to do this, even if they didn’t ask me to.
This May was the first time in my life that my mother asked me to help pay part of my tuition, I am paying my May Term fee to get credit for my internship. Don’t get me wrong, my friends have been paying their own tuition since the beginning, some have had to leave the school. But it’s not about not being the poorest,
It’s seeing my mother break.
It’s knowing that one woman who raised me , my grandmother, is now dead because money and greed and jealousy blinded my uncle from really taking care of her when she needed it most, and there was nothing I could do from halfway around the world. It’s knowing that the other woman who raised me, my mother, is falling apart right before my eyes, and I still can’t do anything.
All I can do is stay in my major and hope that I can make a lot of money to try to help my family financially.
My brother is going to quit his job at the grocery store to focus on school. My mom is considering working less so we can file for a second bankruptcy. She keeps joking/but not really joking about how we’re probably going to lose our house, she’s been looking for homes online. I have an apartment at school. I have multiple jobs at school and my internship right now.
You know that scene in the Titanic movie when the people in the lifeboat are watching as the ship goes down? The women weren’t being completely selfish, they cried when Molly Brown scorned at them, because they knew their loved ones were right there, within reach, and they couldn’t save them. Yes, Molly, that was their “men out there”, their men who gave them life vests, their men who put them on the boats so that they may live, the men who made sacrifices for them, who let them go.
That feeling, watching from the lifeboat, watching from my bedroom when I come home for a school break, THAT is what scares me most about growing up.
wait I agreed to the new tumblr terms and now it won’t load more dashboard…. it just…. stops…. like it doesn’t even say it’s having a problem it just doesn’t give more…. is anyone else having this problem?!??
wait guys I seriously can’t go any farther on my dashboard anymore what’s happening like I’m seriously about to cry because I’m worried I clicked on a virus holy shit what happened apparently other people are having problems with this I’m scared I don’t want my laptop to die I need it…. WHAT’S GOING ON?????
So I know I’m only in college but right now one of the most difficult things I’m dealing with is being in-between jobs.
reading CreepyPasta while it’s very creepishly windy outside enough to literally shake the windows? not my brightest idea….
They have something, that one thing holding them here. Maybe it’s a person, maybe it’s a plan, maybe it’s a promise.
But sometimes it gets hard to hold on
So I checked online and 2 more of my classes finally have professors assigned to them (still waiting on one!… I think) and one a law professor from ISU and at 1st glance I was intimidated because I wanted someone who is big on BUSINESS law since that’s the class but I mean hey law is law right? AND I checked ratemyprofessors and ALL of the reviews are positive like omg suddenly I’m really excited.
The other class, Organization and Management, will be taught by my last semester’s Financial Management professor. Now, I should be okay with this because I had her before, I did well in her class, she thinks well of me, so why should I worry? Well last semester I had horrible panic and anxiety attacks and went into full-throttle break down because of the declining health of my lola, her admission into the hospital, the feud between my family over my lola’s money (which still makes me furious because wtf people she was dying and you were fighting over her money???) and her death when she was rushed back to the hospital thanks to my mother realizing that test results my aunt relayed to us were fatal. (seriously was anyone actually paying attention to her, because it all felt like for show, I mean she needed a fucking blood transfusion and those bitches didn’t even notice, my cousin is a fucking nurse for christ sake!).
Anyway, this professor knows about what I went through and she even was kind and caring enough to talk me through a little of it. She was also very understanding in terms of my attendance considering I could barely find the strength to leave my room. And like I said earlier she thinks well of me and my work in class as I performed well on tests and homework, participated, did well with my group on a project, did well on the final, and performed well enough to receive an A in her class.
All of this sounds like I should be looking forward to having her as a professor again. But… it just unsettles me… when I saw her name listed as my professor… I started shaking… and I want to cry… not because of anything against her… I think it just brings back all the pain of last semester and I’m trying to move past that… she’s a pretty tough professor and likes group-oriented work which sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but she’s still a great professor. I just… it makes me so anxious… I guess part of me is worried she’ll ask how I’m doing and despite being fine right now I just don’t think it’s good for my anxiety to talk in person about this just yet without falling apart again. There’s still so much pent up anger and frustration. Also, I guess I’m worried because she thinks well of me and I’m already so drained from last semester that I don’t know if I can keep that up.
I just hope everything goes okay.
My mom’s and my rooms are right next to each other and when my mom isn’t working at night our dog sleeps in her bed instead of mine but right now he keeps jumping out of her bed, walking over to the doorways, staring at me, and then running back to my mom’s bed. Just once instead of staring at me he stared away from my room and downstairs and it creeped me the fuck out because I read a bunch of two-sentence scary stories and now I feel like something is downstairs waiting to kill me