I’m afraid that even in that first night at the apartment alone… I’ll FEEL how alone I am… and all I’ll think of is that your not there with me
wait I agreed to the new tumblr terms and now it won’t load more dashboard…. it just…. stops…. like it doesn’t even say it’s having a problem it just doesn’t give more…. is anyone else having this problem?!??
wait guys I seriously can’t go any farther on my dashboard anymore what’s happening like I’m seriously about to cry because I’m worried I clicked on a virus holy shit what happened apparently other people are having problems with this I’m scared I don’t want my laptop to die I need it…. WHAT’S GOING ON?????
So I know I’m only in college but right now one of the most difficult things I’m dealing with is being in-between jobs.
reading CreepyPasta while it’s very creepishly windy outside enough to literally shake the windows? not my brightest idea….
They have something, that one thing holding them here. Maybe it’s a person, maybe it’s a plan, maybe it’s a promise.
But sometimes it gets hard to hold on
So I checked online and 2 more of my classes finally have professors assigned to them (still waiting on one!… I think) and one a law professor from ISU and at 1st glance I was intimidated because I wanted someone who is big on BUSINESS law since that’s the class but I mean hey law is law right? AND I checked ratemyprofessors and ALL of the reviews are positive like omg suddenly I’m really excited.
The other class, Organization and Management, will be taught by my last semester’s Financial Management professor. Now, I should be okay with this because I had her before, I did well in her class, she thinks well of me, so why should I worry? Well last semester I had horrible panic and anxiety attacks and went into full-throttle break down because of the declining health of my lola, her admission into the hospital, the feud between my family over my lola’s money (which still makes me furious because wtf people she was dying and you were fighting over her money???) and her death when she was rushed back to the hospital thanks to my mother realizing that test results my aunt relayed to us were fatal. (seriously was anyone actually paying attention to her, because it all felt like for show, I mean she needed a fucking blood transfusion and those bitches didn’t even notice, my cousin is a fucking nurse for christ sake!).
Anyway, this professor knows about what I went through and she even was kind and caring enough to talk me through a little of it. She was also very understanding in terms of my attendance considering I could barely find the strength to leave my room. And like I said earlier she thinks well of me and my work in class as I performed well on tests and homework, participated, did well with my group on a project, did well on the final, and performed well enough to receive an A in her class.
All of this sounds like I should be looking forward to having her as a professor again. But… it just unsettles me… when I saw her name listed as my professor… I started shaking… and I want to cry… not because of anything against her… I think it just brings back all the pain of last semester and I’m trying to move past that… she’s a pretty tough professor and likes group-oriented work which sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but she’s still a great professor. I just… it makes me so anxious… I guess part of me is worried she’ll ask how I’m doing and despite being fine right now I just don’t think it’s good for my anxiety to talk in person about this just yet without falling apart again. There’s still so much pent up anger and frustration. Also, I guess I’m worried because she thinks well of me and I’m already so drained from last semester that I don’t know if I can keep that up.
I just hope everything goes okay.
My mom’s and my rooms are right next to each other and when my mom isn’t working at night our dog sleeps in her bed instead of mine but right now he keeps jumping out of her bed, walking over to the doorways, staring at me, and then running back to my mom’s bed. Just once instead of staring at me he stared away from my room and downstairs and it creeped me the fuck out because I read a bunch of two-sentence scary stories and now I feel like something is downstairs waiting to kill me
after killing a bug or even just SEEING a bug or insect or spider, and suddenly I think every itch or object brushing against me is another bug or insect or spider and I go into freaked out ninja mode
It’s hard to tell if this is another one of my anxiety attacks or I’m coming to my senses
not all the defects like broken/damaged things, dirty things, the extremely audible train horns, the also audible creaking of the ceiling because the floors of the apartment above me are creaky…I could get by all of that… but the worst part is that I could spend the day with my friends like I have recently… and yet…
at the end of the day, I’ll be alone.
As nice as it sounds to have training canceled for the next two days, I won’t be making money, I’m already low on money, and I have nothing to do.
So in decent weather I might go for a bike ride or something, but again, at the end of the day I’ll be alone. It’s not even scary most of the time…
Memi and Sissi, thank you for the bear you guys got me. It honestly means a lot because this year really has been horrible for me. I still can’t get over how miserable I was. All of that just makes it even more painful that I’m here, in the apartment I share with Scott, alone.
I had friends over today and it was so fun, but after they left I felt even more lonely than normal.